Conversations in a Jar
School is back in session, and it would be difficult to find a family that’s not busy. Work, sports practices, games, rehearsals, lessons, homework, doctor’s appointments, and countless other activities keep our calendars full. Among all of the busyness, I would argue that it would also be difficult to find a family that doesn’t long for closer relationships and connection…
School is back in session, and it would be difficult to find a family that’s not busy. Work, sports practices, games, rehearsals, lessons, homework, doctor’s appointments, and countless other activities keep our calendars full. Among all of the busyness, I would argue that it would also be difficult to find a family that doesn’t long for closer relationships and connection.
How can we build deeper relationships with our children and spouses in the midst of a hectic schedule? I believe one vital thing we can do is make our family members feel important and valued. We do that by prioritizing time to really listen to each other.
Everyone’s favorite neighbor, Mr. Rogers said, “There’s no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are.” Every single person wants to feel valued. Even the most introverted person you know needs to be noticed and acknowledged as a valuable creation of God. When I listen, really listen, to someone’s ideas and thoughts, I automatically show that person he or she has value to me.
You say, “All that sounds great, but who has time to listen? All my kids talk about are Fortnite and memes!” Again, I know we’re busy, so I’d like to make it simple. Keep in mind I hesitate to give parenting advice because I’m in the “deep weeds” of parenting myself. However, I found something that has worked to get us talking through the years.
First, we try to have dinner together as a family as many nights a week as possible. Sometimes that’s seven, and sometimes that’s two. Either way, we make an effort to sit down together around the table. Keep in mind, the average family dinner in America lasts 20 to 30 minutes, so we must be intentional about that time.
In order to give each person at the table their time to be heard, we ask a question, and everyone must answer. Other family members must be quiet and listen (no technology!), and no one is allowed to comment negatively on the response. Where do we get the questions? We started with a glass jar filled with strips of paper that I printed from the web. We have since graduated to joke books (take turns reading a few), Would You Rather books (gross but hilarious), and conversation starter cards I bought at a Christian book store. The other night, my youngest asked me to pull out the jar, so we’ve circled back to where we started.
To be honest, we haven’t done this every single time we sit around the dinner table, but we have created a habit to give each person a turn to share. Both of my children tend to “talk over” each other, so it’s been a great way to practice listening skills. By asking random questions, you may also learn things about your children or spouse that you didn’t know.
I encourage you to just give it a try. Grab a notepad, a plastic bowl, or a jar and write down the following questions (or print them). Fold the papers, stick them in the jar, and set it on your table. The next time you have dinner with your family, let someone pull out one question. It’s that easy! Have fun creating questions or searching the internet for new ones when your jar is empty. (I stick the used ones in another jar and “recycle” them for much later. My children’s answers have changed as they’ve gotten older!)
20 Questions to Start Conversations in a Jar
What was the worst/best part of your day?
If you could have one super power, what would you choose?
Who is someone you look up to?
If you could only eat one food for a year, what would you eat?
If you could be any character in a movie or TV show, who would you be?
Which do you like better, the mountains or the beach? Why?
Would you rather be really tall like a giant or tiny like a mouse? Why?
Would you rather travel to the bottom of the ocean or to space? Why?
Share a time you made a good choice with your actions.
If you could visit any imaginary place, where would you go? Who would you take with you?
Would you rather be really strong or really fast?
Do you think your name suits you? If you could change your name, what would you call yourself?
What is your favorite exercise?
What would you do if you could camp out in your favorite store for one night?
Share a time when you were kind to another person. How did it make you feel?
What do you think makes someone cool?
What three words describe our family?
What is your favorite type of weather?
What is your favorite toy or keepsake? Why?
What is the best vacation or activity we’ve done as a family?
Now go get those conversations started!
Come for a service during Family Weekend for more inspiration on how to connect with your family!
FAMILY Part 2: Awareness
My 4 year old son started playing basketball for his first team sport experience. In the driveway playing by himself, he has pretty impressive shooting, defending, and dribbling skills for his age. However, get him on the court, and it's another story. He struggles to use his skills and pay attention to where the ball is at the same time...
My 4 year old son started playing basketball for his first team sport experience. In the driveway playing by himself, he has pretty impressive shooting, defending, and dribbling skills for his age. However, get him on the court, and it's another story. He struggles to use his skills and pay attention to where the ball is at the same time. Most of the time, he is unaware of what's going on during the game.
Here's the point: Awareness of your role is just as important as having the skills to carry it out. I wonder how many parents are unaware that they are called to be the lead faith trainers in their children’s lives.
If we are going to raise up a generation of children who transform the world by living out their faith in schools, neighborhoods, work and communities, we must be aware of our call as parents to be the lead faith trainers. It's our job to take the lead in communicating and living out our faith in Jesus Christ.
To start, our effectiveness in this role depends on our personal relationship with Jesus. This is not a job you can hand to your youth pastor or senior pastor. Being the lead faith trainer takes focus and time. Even though this is a huge calling, God will supply all your needs. You have what it takes to be the lead faith trainer of your family.
Even the busiest parents can be effective by taking advantage of some key moments in each day. These key moments are found in Deuteronomy 6:4-9. In this passage, Moses is speaking to Hebrew families that are about to enter the Promised Land. He knows the land is full of provision, and it will be easy for families to be tempted to depend on their own effort and forget to depend upon The Lord. Below is what God has to say to families of the past, present and future.
4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Based on this passage, these are 5 practical ideas you as a parent can implement to make the most out of the time you have with your children.
1. Be the Model
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might."
As parents, we are to model a life of faith in Jesus Christ. We have all heard "more is taught than caught." It is impossible to give what you don’t have. We are to live in such a way that our children see us relying on the Lord, going to God in prayer, and opening up His Word every single day. This is the most powerful tool in your parenting tool kit.
2. Take Advantage of Meal Times
"when you sit in your house"
Make mealtimes count. There are few times in a day when technology is off, and everyone is together around the table. Use this time wisely to invest in your children. There are a few things we do at each meal we share together. Try these or come up with your own:
1) We pray and give thanks to God.
2) We catch up on sports and/or school.
3) Everyone shares five things that they are grateful for.
Don’t beat yourself up if you miss meals together occasionally, but do try to gather the family together for a meal at least a couple times a week.
3. Make the Most of Travel Time
"when you walk by the way"
Not many of us walk to work, but most of us drive with our families to school, sports, or other events. I think drive time gives us a unique opportunity to build relationships. Challenge yourself to turn off the radio and listen to your children. Sometimes kids are more open in a car than they are at home. When given the opportunity, make sure to speak God’s Word into the situation or circumstance they may be going through.
4. Waking Up in the Morning
"when you rise"
I believe there is no greater time to instill purpose in your family than in the morning as they rise. Remind them that they are children of God, and He has an awesome plan and purpose for their lives. Remind them that God is bigger than anything they will face that day whether at school or other environments.
5. Before Going to Bed at Night
"when you lie down"
Ending the day well will help set up the next day for success. Each night, my wife, Christin, and I open God’s Word and pray with our children. We always try to relate what we read to their lives.
Don’t get me wrong, Christin and I mess up at this parenting thing at least once a day, and we are still relatively new parents. My heart here is to encourage even the busiest parents. It is important to spend time with our kids. More than that though, we must understand the role we have as the lead faith trainers and use our time wisely to invest in our children.
Check out FAMILY Part 1 HERE
FAMILY Part 1: Family First or First God?
I have always had a heart to see families succeed. I am a believer that if we are to maximize our potential for Christ, we need to have a strong family that builds each other up and encourages each other in the Lord. I think, across the board, a breakdown in families results in...
I have always had a heart to see families succeed. I am a believer that if we are to maximize our potential for Christ, we need to have a strong family that builds each other up and encourages each other in the Lord. I think, across the board, a breakdown in families results in other kinds of evils. To reach this next generation, we must have strong disciple-making families.
I have been blessed to see my grandparents married for over 65 years and other Godly mentors that make marriage and family a priority. I am writing this to share some of the things that my wife, Christin, and I do to that makes a difference in our family. My wife and I me up with an acrostic for FAMILY that will develop this concept.
F - First God
Today I will start with F- First God. This is nothing new. It comes from one of my favorite verses in the Bible: Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” One of our common mistakes is to put family first. I believe God is telling us to seek Him first and do everything else, including family, out of the overflow of our relationship with Christ.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer in the importance of family. I stick by the scripture 1 Timothy 5:8, “If anyone doesn’t provide for his relatives and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Those are strong words given to us by our Lord. Families and children have always been close to the heart of the Lord. If you have a chance, look at the words God gave Moses to tell Hebrew families before going into the Promised Land (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
Christin and I are busy a lot like the rest of you with jobs, four children, sports…and I could go on. So I don’t want to say this without leaving some practical steps that we do to make First God happen in our family.
Model the Life of Christ
We must be the ones that model God first in all that we do for it to stick with our kids. The first thing my wife and I do when we wake up every morning is set aside 30 minutes to an hour spending one-on-one time with God. We make Church and Small Group (environments of spiritual growth) a priority. Children see these things. A lot more is caught than taught, and children can spot a fake.
Mission-Minded Family
If we are not involved in making disciples, we are missing our true calling in Christ. I view my wife and kids as my number one disciples. Christin and I both are the lead faith trainers of our children.
Ask Tough Questions
We continuously ask ourselves tough questions. How is your time with God? How are we serving each other, our children, and others? Are we leading with zeal and enthusiasm? Am I putting anything before the Lord? Am I being spirit-controlled or self-controlled? These are just some of the questions. Often it is not the question itself, but the conversation that sharpens us.
Pray
I ask the Lord if I put anything before Him. Some common things that compete with God are phones, money, kids, education, relationships and hobbies. Pray through these things. God is faithful. He will reveal if you are putting anything before Him if you humbly ask.
Could you imagine what would happen if we became disciple-making families that put God first? I know neighborhoods and entire communities would be changed. Do not underestimate what God can do through your family if you put Him first. He used 12 to change the world.
To put Family First you have to put God First.
Check out Justin’s next post to read FAMILY (Part 2).
"It Takes a Village"...No, REALLY
Have you ever heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child?” Wow, how true is that statement? Let me ask you this: Where is your village? Who is in your village? Do you lean on your village...
Have you ever heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child?” Wow, how true is that statement? Let me ask you this: Where is your village? Who is in your village? Do you lean on your village for support? I believe that Jesus wants our villages to be the church!
Jesus wants our villages to be the church!
Think about this, the church should be the place where you can go when you have parenting questions. The place with the door open with welcoming faces and willingness to pray for your children and, of course, you as a parent. How do we do this? Through a partnership. We don’t want you to walk the parenting journey alone. We want to join you as you guide your child to know Jesus and then continue to grow in his/her spiritual walk.
You may be thinking, “Well ok, how do I accomplish this?” No worries, I have a few helpful steps. Oh and, of course, some ways I implement this with my daughter.
1. Attend Church
The first step is attending church. Seriously, go to church! Do you ever get into your car on Sunday morning, look at the clock and say, “Whew! We will actually be on time today!” Or for some that may be a rare occurrence, and they can count it a miracle if they get there before worship ends. In all seriousness, church has to be a priority. Allow your kids to attend Reel Kids or another growing children’s ministry and experience church on their level! At the same time, attend corporate worship for yourself. Your spiritual growth and theirs depends on this.
2. Don't Stop After Sunday Afternoon
Secondly, don't stop after Sunday afternoon. A lot of us go to church on Sunday, then Sunday evening rolls around. We eat Sunday dinner as a family, pray as a family and may even do a devotional as a family. After Sunday, the rush comes in full force. We get busy with work, school, practices and performances, and we lose sight. Now, some of us may have a small group or mid-week church activities at some point during the week, so we get a little church during that time.
We tell ourselves, “Take a deep breath you made it to mid-week!” The struggle is real. There have been nights where my daughter will finally fall asleep...I mean the bedtime routine is something fierce! And I will look at my husband, shocked and say, “We didn’t read a Bible story!” Defeated in that moment, I think, “Should I wake her?” and then laugh,“No! Are you crazy?”
Yes, we should strive daily to do better guiding our child’s spiritual journey. But, we can’t forget that we are human, and we will fall short daily. God gives us grace and mercy every second, and sometimes we need to extend it to ourselves. This is not a free pass. If bedtime is rough like it is at my house, choose a better time for your family to do a Bible reading or devotional. Why not try a time that will work?
3. Be a Model
Thirdly, be a model! Your children need to see you grow! Invest in your personal time with the Lord! Prioritize your daily God time, worship and prayer. Personally, I think it is valuable for your children to see this growth being modeled. Allow them to hear you reading the Word, praying and worshiping our Lord. You may even occasionally invite them in to participate with you during your time with the Lord. At other times find a location with little to no distractions where you can dig into the Word, cry out in prayer and rejoice in song. Magnify the Lord every day, even if the only non-distracting location is your closet. In order to grow in your relationship with the Lord, you must seek Him daily. Make this time a daily priority. Mark it on your calendar if necessary.
4. Pray!
Lastly, pray! Pray for your children, pray for your parenting, and pray for your family. Scripture tells us to pray without ceasing. Jesus modeled prayer, privately and corporately. If Jesus took the time to model prayer to the disciples, He wants us to take the time to model this as well.
Through prayer you are able to talk to the Lord. When I pray individually or with my family I use the PRAY acronym.
P - Praise the Lord, magnify Him.
R - Repent if needed confess and gain wisdom to change.
A - Ask for needs to be met.
Y - Yield to God’s will.
There will be days when you fail, and there will be days when you win. TAKE THE WIN!! Don’t focus on the struggle, focus on the WIN. Lean on the church as your village and allow us to help you grow.